Custo's Last Stand
by janeeleanorknight
Summary: Groundskeeper Willie loses his job at Springfield Elementary and becomes an announcer for a day on CBS' Face The Nation. Meanwhile, Nelson, Jimbo Dolph and Kearney take things too far in bullying senior citizens and end up in community service. This is an amalgamation of three comic book stories that originally appeared in Bart Simpson Comics.


THE SIMPSONS IN:

"CUSTO'S LAST STAND"

Compiled from "Bart's Name Is Mud" by James W. Bates (Bart Simpson Comics #44; October 2008); "Aye, Robot" by Eric Rogers (Bart Simpson Comics #46; February 2009); and "Citizen Cane" by Earl Kress (Bart Simpson Comics #44; October 2008); includes flashback from "Homer The Heretic" by George Meyer (Episode 3, Season 4, October 8, 1992)

Copyright & Trademark Acknowlegments: "Face The Nation" (c) CBS Corporation; "As The World Turns" (c) Procter & Gamble Productions, Inc.; Post Croonchy Stars, licensed to Post Foods, LLC; Nabisco Oreo Double Stuff licensed to Mondelez International, Inc..

Teleplay by DeWayne Elbert Knight (b. 1965, Columbus, Indiana; B.S., Ball State University)

OPENING SEQUENCE

CLOUD GAG: Angels lifting Homer's car across heaven as Homer is asleep at the wheel

BILLBOARD GAG: Cleveland Market-Home of the Wahoo Chicken Sandwich

(features a suspicious likeness of Chief Wahoo, the Cleveland Indians mascot, as he is about to take a bite of a dead chicken positioned between two pieces of bread)

BLACKBOARD GAG: Grape Nuts are neither grapes nor nuts.

The blackboard morphs into a widescreen projection television; no couch gag.

ACT ONE-Recess

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - DAY

Establishing shot; school bell rings as credits roll.

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - MRS. KRABAPPLE'S CLASSROOM

Children are seen cheering as school bell ceases ringing.

BART: Recess!

MRS. KRABAPPLE: Yeah, yeah, you know where the playground is...

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY

Bart and Milhouse walk along a hallway of lockers.

BART: What do you think, Milhouse? Is it a day for dodgeball?

MILHOUSE: Please, Bart...can we play kickball instead? It results in less bruising...

Bart and Milhouse approach the red exit doors leading to the playground at the rear of the school.

Bart opens the double doors.

BART: Either one, dude...as long as I'm outta that stuffy classroom...

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND

Bart and Milhouse are joined by Martin; the three head out back and see Groundskeeper Willie lain on his stomach, with the garden hose running and attached to his right hand. There is a small trickle of water around Willie, who is surrounded by a lake full of mud, which is approaching the playground.

MILHOUSE (dejectedly): So much for recess!

BART: This sucks!

Willie slowly gets up from his stupor, letting out only an "Aye".

BART: Groundskeeper Willie, what gives?

WILLIE: I was celebratin' Kilmanock's win over Aberdeen pretty hard last night. Must've done some midnight landscapin' without knowin'...

Willie gets up and turns off the garden hose.

WILLIE (continued): Guess I fell asleep at the hose...Ol' Willie's really stepped in the haggis this time...the playground is ruined.

MARTIN: If you think that's bad, you should see what's gone wrong in the cafeteria...

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - CAFETERIA - MOMENTS LATER

A herd of kids rush out of the school cafeteria, exhibiting signs of nausea, including Bart, Milhouse and Martin, who entered from the playground.

BART (wretching): I always dreamed I'd live to see this day, but now that it's here, it's become my worst nightmare!

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY OUTSIDE CAFETERIA

Principal Skinner rushes toward Lunchlady Doris, who holds a giant pail with both of her hands while Nelson and Bart rush off toward the boys' restroom to vomit.

SKINNER: Great Caesar salad, what's happening?!

DORIS: The kids are all sick because someone left this bucket of sawdust on the counter. I thought it was oatmeal.

SKINNER: Sawdust? That bucket could belong to only one man...

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - IMMEDIATELY LATER

SKINNER (continuing): ...GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE! How could you leave your sawdust bucket in the kitchen? Half the children in the school are ill because of your mistake. And what about that filthy muddy lake out there in the playground?

Skinner waves his hand outside toward the muddy bog near the playground.

WILLIE: The children gettin' sick off the same thing that soaks up their heavin's? That's more than a wee bit ironic...plus that bog is reminiscent of me homeland...

SKINNER: I'm sorry, Willie, but I have to let you go...

WILLIE: What?! But why?!

SKINNER: Simple economics: You take the probability of human error plus your salary divided by your union-enforced eight-hour work day multiplied by technological advancement-carry the two-subtract pi, which is three point one-four-it's all so obvious...

WILLIE (skeptically): What is?

SKINNER: You're being replaced!

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - MATCH CUT

A vacuum cleaner-like robot with octopus-type arms is doing several jobs, such as cutting the hedges; erasing "El Barto" from the school walls with a scrubber; raking the leaves with four rakes; painting the kiddie slides; and giving poor Ralph Wiggum a wedgie, who is feeling queasy.

RALPH: Robot makes me talk like a girl.

Inside the glass, Principal Skinner explains to Willie the wonders of his new robot.

SKINNER: General Custo is an all-encompassing custodial unit that can do every job that you can do in one-fifth the time and doesn't quit until you turn it off!

Outside, Professor Frink and Superintendent Chalmers gaze in awe at Custo, which lets go of Ralph, who scampers away with his underpants torn.

PROFESSOR FRINK: Plus it has a hard drive that updates attendance daily and detects forged signatures on report cards. *GA-HOYVEN!*

SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS: You're a genius, Professor Frink...we'll take it.

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Groundskeeper Willie pleads his case to Principal Skinner to let him stay employed at the school.

WILLIE: But ye cannae fire me...what's Willie gonna do fer a job? Where am I gonna live?

SKINNER: I'm sorry, Willie, but General Custo has already processed your paperwork.

Just then, a cell phone starts ringing.

SKINNER: What's that strange noise?

WILLIE: Ach! I forgot I had one of these...

Willie digs for the cell phone in his pocket...

SKINNER: You never told me you had a cell phone...

WILLIE: It's a PathFone...I only keep it fer emergencies...

(then into phone): Hello...(astonished) What?! I forgot I filed an online application...I did it at a time I was disgusted with my job at Springfield Elementary...you want me to do what? Okay, I'll be on the next plane out...Good talking to you...Goodbye.

Willie hangs up his cell phone and puts it back in his pocket.

SKINNER: So what's the word, Willie?

WILLIE: I don't need your crummy job anymore, Skinner...I'm gonna be a voice-over announcer on CBS' "Face The Nation" in Washington, DC...and I am to leave Springfield immediately.

SKINNER: Too bad...I've always watched "Meet The Press"...

Just then, Willie sees General Custo hand him a pink slip as well as water the plant and clean Skinner's computer.

WILLIE (muttering): ACH! Curse its ninja-like stealth!

END ACT ONE

ACT TWO-Off To Washington

FADE IN

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - WILLIE'S SHACK - THE SAME DAY

Bart and Lisa come to say one final goodbye to Willie before his departure for Washington, DC.

LISA: It's never easy to be fired, Willie...it's even worse to be saying goodbye.

BART: You'll kick butt over at the Eye Net!

WILLIE: Thank you for your kind wishes, little ones.

Willie holds out a spray can for Bart.

WILLIE (continued): Now before I go, I'd like to give you something to remember ol' Willie by. For Bart, my trusty can of spray paint remover which removes paint from any surface with a single spritz...

BART (elated): Cool! Now I can revise my work.

Willie then hands to Lisa a shining emerald ring.

WILLIE: And for wee Lisa, my most prized possession. Wear this and you will harness a very special power!

LISA: Will I turn invisible?

WILLIE: Nay, but the stone will change color to tell you what mood you're in.

Wille gets ready to leave as General Custo appears, doing several things simultaneously such as dusting; painting; hammering; and putting up new signs as Lisa looks on in exasperation while Bart looks determined to outwit the mechanical beast.

WILLIE: So long, children. I cannae put me finger on it, but something says it's time to go!

EXT - SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - THE NEXT DAY

Bart and Milhouse see yellow police tape all over the basketball hoop as well as the monkey bars and other kiddie attractions.

BART (angry): Every time I turn around that stupid machine is in our face! It's no fun around here anymore!

MILHOUSE: Yeah! Since when is school supposed to be about learning?

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - BOYS' RESTROOM - MATCH CUT

Jimbo, Nelson and Martin see Custo doing several things, such as unclogging toilets; cleaning sinks; disinfecting the walls; and mopping the floors; much to their chagrin.

NELSON: Aw, man...it's that stupid robot again.

JIMBO: But I need my swirlie fix... (then to Martin)...and since you dunk so well...

MARTIN (nervously): D-D-Does this mean I'm free to go?

NELSON (clenching his left fist): It means you're gonna get flushed twice as much as soon as Robo-Mop isn't around...

Suddenly, Custo starts handing out pink detention slips.

MARTIN (astonished): A detention slip?! But I was the one who was going to get the swirlie...

Nelson lets out his patented "HAW-HAW" laugh; then gets stuffed with a detention slip in his mouth. Jimbo likewise gets one stuffed in his face.

EXT. WASHINGTON, DC - SKYLINE - THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY

Establishing shots of the Washington, DC skyline leading to:

INT. CBS STUDIO - WASHINGTON, DC - PRODUCTION ROOM

We see Groundskeeper Willie being escorted by technicians into a sound studio where he is to give opening narration for the day's "Face The Nation" broadcast. Willie puts on a pair of headphones. Video monitors surround him. Cue "Face The Nation" music, up and under.

LINE DIRECTOR (points to Willie): And cue...

The "ON AIR" light is on, meaning Willie is to speak into the microphone. The "Face The Nation" title card is shown on screen, followed by the establishing shot of Washington, D.C..

GROUNDSKEEPER WILLIE (VO): From CBS News in Doontoon Washington, D.C...this is "Face The Nation" with Bob Schieffer...

Music up and out...Bob Schieffer laughs onscreen as he begins talking.

BOB SCHIEFFER (laughing on TV): Thank you, Groundskeeper Willie...today on this program, we have Nobel Prize winner Kim Jong-un, who is commended for nuking Hawaii's leper colonies...

INT. CBS NEWSROOM - WASHINGTON, DC - MATCH CUT

We see various newsroom people laughing their heads off while watching "Face The Nation" on several monitors. Some are seen splattering coffee on other newsroom people. A CBS poster explicitly reads "Coming Soon-CBS News Commemmorates Dan Rather, Katie Couric, Paula Zahn and Kathleen Sullivan".

EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE - SPRINGFIELD - ESTABLISHING SHOT/MATCH CUT

The audio from "Face The Nation" is being heard at the Simpson house.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - SPRINGFIELD - MATCH CUT

We see Homer and Marge situated on the couch watching "Face The Nation" while Bart and Lisa are slouched on the floor in front of the TV. Marge is seen holding Maggie, who sucks on her pacifier as per usual.

HOMER (laughing): Heh, heh, heh...lepers...

MARGE: Homer, that's not funny! If you and Bart were still on that island, you'd be dead.

BART (disgruntled): I wish I were...I'd never live long enough to see Willie being replaced by that stupid robot.

LISA: Bart and I miss Willie so...I wish he'd come back...

HOMER: What's the point of being only heard when you should be seen as well on TV?

MARGE (to HOMER): You wanted to be on TV so many times...look what it got you! FOX ended up doing a tribute called "Four Weeks Of 'The Homer Simpson Show'"...and it was narrated by Troy McClure, Jr...

HOMER: (ANNOYED GRUNT)

INT. CBS STUDIO - WASHINGTON, DC - FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

A line producer approaches Willie, who takes off his headphones.

LINE PRODUCER: Your delivery was adequate, but your dialect was beyond reproach...

WILLIE: So they liked me?

LINE PRODUCER: Let's go into the next room and try some sponsorship billboards...

Willie and the line producer walk down the corridor into another room.

On the TV monitor, "Face The Nation" heads toward a commercial break, as indicated by Bob Schieffer.

BOB SCHIEFFER (on TV): ...and now, Groundskeeper Willie is going to tell us about one of our wonderful sponsors...

WILLIE (VO): This portion of "Face The Nation" is spoonsored by Post Croonchy Stars...

A graphic of the orange and blue cereal box is shown, replacing the "Face The Nation" logo.

WILLIE (VO continued):...great cinnamon taste from the Swedish Chef to your breakfast table...good fer what ails ye...

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - MATCH CUT

The family, still watching "Face The Nation" as before, but this time, Lisa has a puzzled look on her face.

POV - LISA

LISA: That's rather odd for a cereal company to buy advertising time on a public affairs program...

EXT. DOWNTOWN SPRINGFIELD - THE NEXT DAY

Nelson, Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney are hanging out on a sidewalk in an unnamed area of Springfield, where they see Hans Moleman pass by. Hans is unable to walk without his trusty cane.

JIMBO: I've had enough of dealing with that hunk of junk at school...you guys want to play a game of "Kick The Cane"?

DOLPH: Sure!

KEARNEY: Go for it, dude!

NELSON: If it feels good, do it!

Just then, Jimbo does just exactly that-kicks Hans' cane from his left hand, causing him to fall to the ground and lose his glasses in the process. The other three bullies watch.

JIMBO: Uh-oh! I think I might accidentally step on your glasses!

HANS: Are you talking to me, sir? My hearing aid fell out.

Just then, Jimbo is grabbed by his shirt tail.

JIMBO: WHOA! 

Chief Wiggum is seen grabbing Jimbo airborne by the shirt while Lou looks on from outside the driver's side of the police car.

CHIEF WIGGUM: So you like picking on old guys, huh? 

JIMBO: It's kind of a hobby...

Just then, Lou's partner, Eddie, appears with Jimbo's partners in tow as Wiggum escorts Jimbo into the police car.

WIGGUM: We'll just see about that.

EDDIE: Look what I found, Chief...three more brats who like doing the same thing.

NELSON (to EDDIE): Back off, fella!

DOLPH (to EDDIE): Quit shoving!

KEARNEY: Someone's asking for a knuckle sandwich on white bread!

LOU (to EDDIE & WIGGUM): Hey, fellas, you coulda picked those punks up without touching them...now you've got juvie cooties!

WIGGUM (to the four bullies): All right, all of you...into the squad car...no squeaming.

INT. SPRINGFIELD COURTHOUSE - THE SAME AFTERNOON

Judge Constance Harm presides at the bench, with Jimbo, Nelson, Dolph, Kearney and the Bailiff present. The Bailiff is wearing a green suit.

JUDGE HARM: I sentence you four to one hundred hours of community service.

JIMBO: Piece of cake!

JUDGE HARM (banging her gavel): Make that two hundred hours!

DOLPH (unfazed): Big whoop...

JUDGE HARM: For Jimbo Jones, two hundred hours at the Springfield Retirement Castle...

JIMBO (moping): Eep...

JUDGE HARM: And for you other three, two hundred hours polishing the statue of Jebediah Springfield on the Town Square!

The other three bullies let out loud gulps as Judge Harm bangs her gavel once again.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - THE NEXT DAY

Lisa is hunched peacefully beside a tree, reading the book "MATERIAL GORILLA-A CHILDREN'S STORY BY MADONNA". She is holding an apple in her other hand.

LISA (with content): Ahh...nothing like a good book at lunchtime...

Suddenly, one of General Custo's many mechanical arms swipes the book from Lisa, much to her displeasure.

LISA (astonished): What the hey?! That's my book. I haven't finished reading it yet.

Mrs. Hoover appears next to Lisa as General Custo strolls away with a handful of other books along with Lisa's.

MRS. HOOVER: Sorry, Lisa, but General Custo is in charge of collecting all library books the moment they're overdue...

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - CAFETERIA - MOMENTS LATER

General Custo swipes lunchroom trays from Wendell, Milhouse and everyone else in the cafeteria.

MILHOUSE: But I'm not done eating yet! And it's not time to go back to class!

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - MOMENTS LATER

Custo heads back to the playground, where he interrupts a game of marbles being played by Rod and Todd Flanders. Custo uses his mechanical arms to swipe the marbles; then tosses the two bags of marbles into his chute.

TODD: Hey, that's not trash! Those are our marbles!

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY - SECONDS LATER

Custo has re-entered the building, sweeping the locker hallway, managing to chase away Sherri and Terri while Bart and Lisa look on from the cafeteria entrance door.

LISA: That robot is only supposed to do Willie's old job, not make life miserable for every kid in school.

BART: We gotta figure out a way to get rid of that rolling box of bolts and fast!

INT. CHIEF WIGGUM'S SQUAD CAR - NEAR SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - SIMULTANEOUSLY

Chief Wiggum speaks to Jimbo, who is seated in the back, through a barred glass window that separates the two.

WIGGUM (stopping the car): Okay, punk, here's your home for the next five weeks!

JIMBO: What makes you think I won't leave the minute you drive away?

Wiggum presses a button on his glove compartment; however, the glove compartment merely lowers, revealing a tray containing a piece of meat and a bowl of soup, along with a fork. A cupholder is nearby. Wiggum puts on a bib as he prepares to eat.

WIGGUM: What makes you think I'm leaving?

JIMBO: I can still run faster than you! You can't even catch the flu!

WIGGUM: You're a poet and don't know it...(laughing)...but answer me this...can you outrun two German Shepherds?

Outside the squad car, Lou is holding two voracious dogs with his leash.

LOU: Heel, Mauler! Heel, Wiggum's Little Helper!

EXT. SPRINGFIELD TOWN SQUARE - SIMULTANEOUSLY

Outside his own squad car, Eddie escorts Nelson, Dolph and Kearney to the bronze statue of Springfield founder Jebediah Springfield. The three remaining bullies are given pails of soapy water and brushes and ordered to start polishing immediately.

EDDIE: All right, you hooligans...get to work! I want to see every stain of dirt gone from that statue by the time your two hundred hours of community service are over!

KEARNEY: What if we get done long before then?

EDDIE: It means you aren't doing the job proper...and just in case you have any ideas about shirking duty...

Eddie unleashes the Springfield Puma from his squad car, which he sics unto the three bullies, who are agonized with terror.

EDDIE (continued): ...I borrowed this wildcat from Springfield Elementary while General Custo is busy cleaning up the school...

NELSON (muttering under his breath): Someone should clean your ass, Officer...

EDDIE: Remember...I want that statue to be so clean that Chief Wiggum can see his reflection on it! I'll be patrolling this area every 15 minutes...

The Springfield Puma snarls as he swipes his paws at the bullies.

DOLPH (secretly taking out a spitball and throwing it at EDDIE): Reflect this!

EDDIE: Hey, who threw that?!

KEARNEY (innocently): Wasn't me, sir...

EDDIE: If I see one more prank like that again, all of you are going to Juvie Hall immediately! Now get to work!

The three bullies grudgingly begin polishing the statue as Eddie drives off with the Puma.

INT. SIMPSON CAR - KRUSTY BURGER DRIVE THRU - THE NEXT DAY

Homer licks his tongue in hunger as he is pulling up to the drive-through window. Marge is in the passenger seat, reading the menu while Bart and Lisa are in the back seat. A likeness of Krusty the Clown's face adorns the Krusty Burger sign outside.

MARGE: Okay, who gets the Krusty Kangaroo Nuggets? 

BART: Boomerang 'em this way, mate!

Just then, Lisa notices something amiss.

LISA: Dad, stop the car!

HOMER (gasping as he stops the car): Did they forget the dipping sauce? The French-dipped French fries? The sweet-and-sour pork chowder?

LISA (looking at WILLIE through front window): It's Willie!

Willie is seen holding up a sign that says "SCOTLAND OR BUST".

HOMER (fumbling around): I didn't order any Willie...

MARGE: Homer, be considerate...

EXT. KRUSTY BURGER PARKING LOT - IMMEDIATELY LATER

Bart and Lisa rush out of the car toward Willie, who is still holding the sign.

LISA: Groundskeeper Willie, what are you doing back in Springfield?

BART: What happened to your new job at CBS?

WILLIE: I'm tryin' to raise enough money for a plane ticket back to me home...I was hired to do only one day's work on "Face The Nation"-the intro, outro and one hundred seventy sponsorship billboards, all of which will be dubbed into future episodes...and I won't see me paycheck for two weeks. In the meantime, I had to spend me severance pay from Springfield Elementary on rent at the Capital Hotel in D.C., where I lived in a roach-infested shanty next to a lift that roared all hours of the day. I cannae get another job because I only have primary experience as a groundskeeper...I guess I'm not meant to do anything else.

LISA: That's not entirely true, Willie...you were a welder at the church...

(FLASHBACK FROM "HOMER THE HERETIC" FEATURING WILLIE AS A WELDER)

WILLIE: With no money, I have to live in this wee box in an alley with the only person that will take me in...

We see a cardboard box, where red-suited Gil Gunderson is living inside the cutout. Gil is holding an empty soup can in one hand and a Duff beer bottle with the other.

GIL: Hey, roomie, Guitar Joe's calling...He wants to know if we want to hop the train to Washington, DC with him and the boys tonight.

WILLIE: Ach! I just got back from there!

BART: C'mon, Willie, we're gonna help you get your job back! We're not losing you to that cesspool again!

LISA: But how? Principal Skinner loves General Custo. It's like he's the perfect machine.

BART: Then we'll just have to come up with the perfect plan to expose that metallic meddler's flaws!

END ACT TWO

ACT THREE-Magnetic Personality

FADE IN

EXT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - THE NEXT DAY

An establishing shot of the Springfield Retirement Castle, with a token bird chirping in the background.

INT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - LOBBY - CONTINUOUS

Jimbo nervously looks on as two elder people sleep in their rocking chairs; three others are asleep while playing cards; and Grandpa Abraham Simpson walks toward Jimbo.

GRANDPA ABE: Young person! Let me tell you about World War Two!

Another elder lady, who is walking with a cane, approaches Jimbo, as does Jasper.

ELDER LADY (touching JIMBO's face): You look just like my granddaughter!

JASPER: Wanna see my hernia? I can make it pop in and out!

Just then, the nurse comes in to the lobby.

NURSE: All right, break it up. Get back to your rooms!

ABE: Aw, we never get to have any fun!

JASPER: It's only five-thirty. What about our tapioca pudding?

NURSE (to JASPER): When you find your teeth, you can have dessert.

(then to JIMBO) As for you, you can start by emptying the bedpans.

JIMBO (defiant): No way. I'll take my chances with the dogs!

Jimbo walks toward the front entrance, where he is confronted by Lou's two German Shepherds, who are waiting to tear him to pieces.

JIMBO (scared, to NURSE): Uh, nurse...where might I find those bedpans?

INT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - ABE'S ROOM - SECONDS LATER

We see the nurse giving Abe his medicine while he is getting ready for bed. Among Abe's prized pictures include his wedding photo with Mona at his bedside as well as his Army photo near the door, where Jimbo looks on.

NURSE: Did you remember to take your pills?

ABE: I remember everything.

NURSE (with sarcasm): Really? What's your name?

ABE: Aw, you always ask me the hard questions.

Abe starts to take off his underwear again, just as he did in "The Front" episode.

NURSE: Oh no! You're not pulling that underwear trick again!

Then the nurse forcibly shoves the pills into Abe's mouth as Jimbo watches helplessly from the hallway.

NURSE (continued): Mr. Simpson, you're taking your pills, and I'll shove them down your throat if I have to...

ABE (choking, gulping): No! I won't take it! HELP!

The nurse heads toward Jimbo just as Homer arrives to visit his father.

NURSE (to JIMBO): You can give Mr. Simpson his sponge bath now.

(then to HOMER): Sorry, tubbo...visiting hours are over.

HOMER: (ANNOYED GRUNT) I just wanted to come by and treat my dad to a cold, frosty one at Moe's...

ABE (to HOMER): You never take me to Moe's!

HOMER: There's a first time for everything...

EXT. SPRINGFIELD TOWN SQUARE - CONTINUOUS

Nelson, Kearney and Dolph are reluctantly shining the statue of Jebediah Springfield with their soapy water and sponges while Eddie's patrol car, with the puma in tow, cruises the square.

NELSON (scrubbing): Man, it's bad enough we have to deal with a giant trash can of a robot at school...now we have to put up with a fierce alley cat as well...

DOLPH (looking at statue): If I have to polish this dude's butt another second, I'm gonna wretch!

KEARNEY: I think I may have found a solution to our dilemma...

Kearney sees that Chief Wiggum's squad car, along with Eddie's, have parked at a restaurant known as the Coffee Beanery. The sign reads "Not affiliated with Jittery Joe's or Bookacino's". Another slogan reads "It takes twelve bags of beans to make one good cup of coffee."

Around the corner, a red brick Marsh Supermarket has opened in Springfield. A sign on the main window reads "Help Wanted-Three Donut Cooks-Inquire Within".

DOLPH: Like I'm gonna spend all day frying donuts for some fat dude named Homer Simpson...

NELSON: It's either that or we polish this stupid statue and risk getting put in juvie...or worse!

KEARNEY: And we can't use our real names, either...we have to go incognito...

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - SIDE ENTRANCE - THE NEXT DAY

Bart is gathered with Milhouse, Richard, Lewis, Martin, Wendell, Ralph, Rod and Todd at his side at a sidewalk adjoining the playground.

BART: We all know General Custo has taken the fun out of school, so let's help Willie get his job back...

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - GIRLS' RESTROOM - MATCH CUT

Lisa is likewise gathered with several girls, who include Janey, Sherri, Terri, Jessica, Ashley and several unnamed others.

LISA: If General Custo does his job even worse than Willie ever did, Principal Skinner will surely beg Willie to return.

SHERRI: But how is that going to happen?

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - SIDE ENTRANCE - MATCH CUT

Martin is now holding a bag of marbles.

BART: Martin has come up with an idea that's sure to work.

MARTIN: Everyone will drop a bag like this one on the ground when General Custo is nearby...

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - GIRLS' RESTROOM - MATCH CUT

LISA (continuing MARTIN's thought): ...and when Custo sees the supposed bag of trash, he'll rush over, scoop it up and drop it inside of his internal trash compactor.

TERRI: But what's inside the bags?

POV - MARTIN

Martin holds a little magnet which exhibits a current of electricity.

MARTIN: Magnets! Once they're inside General Custo, the magnets' reversal field charge will crosswire his hard-drive, which will command him to do his job in the exact opposite way. Everybody grab some and let's take our school back...

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - SIDE ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS

Everyone does exactly that, except for Ralph, who puts the magnets in his mouth.

RALPH: Magnets make my mouth wiggle!

INT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - CAFETERIA - LATER THAT DAY

Jimbo is now serving dinner to the elder patrons who are lined up. The nurse shoves Abe, who tries cutting in front of Jasper, who has discovered his false teeth.

JASPER: There are my teeth.

NURSE (to ABE): Back in line, Mr. Simpson...

Jimbo looks out the cafeteria window.

JIMBO: How do these old dudes ever see what's outside this place?

The nurse wakes up two elder people who are sleeping at an adjoining dining table.

NURSE: Wake up and go to sleep...in your rooms!

INT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - ELDER LADY'S BEDROOM - SECONDS LATER

Jimbo is tending to the elder lady, who is sitting on her bed. The Nurse is holding an extra-large file with her left hand, which she hands to the Elder Lady.

ELDER LADY (to JIMBO): Hey, cutie, how's about cutting my toenails?

NURSE (to ELDER LADY): Forget the scissors. Here, you're gonna need an industrial file.

ELDER LADY (to NURSE): Thank you...(then muttering after NURSE leaves)...witch! (then to JIMBO): Where are my slippers?

JIMBO: I'll get them, ma'am...

He reaches for the pink slippers, which are underneath the Elder Lady's bed.

ELDER LADY: When I was seventeen, I was the belle of the ball and my dance card was always full...

JIMBO (VO thought): How much more can I take of this?

JASPER (VO from the hallway): There are critters growing in my beard.

NURSE (VO in hallway): Shut up!

JASPER (VO): Anybody seen my wooden leg?

NURSE (VO): I said shut up! 

Jimbo reaches for a towel and a sponge and is ready to bathe the Elder Lady.

ELDER LADY: Your hair is so long and soft just like my granddaughter's...

Jimbo blushes with embarrassment.

ELDER LADY (continued): Oh, let me pinch that cheek of yours one last time...

Jimbo's blush suddenly turns to a smile.

INT. MARSH SUPERMARKET - DELICATESSEN - SOMETIME LATER

Dolph, Nelson and Kearney hand their employment applications to a cigarette smoking deli clerk, who looks over their papers. Dolph has to appear in drag, wearing a skirt instead of his black cutoffs. A prominent sign at the soda fountain reads, "YOU WANT FREE REFILLS, GO TO MCDONALD'S".

DELI CLERK: So...you're Richard, Ronald and Christina Winchell...children of the legendary Verne Winchell, who started his donut store chain in Temple City, California in 1948...

(then examining DOLPH): Ugh! Have you ever thought about a new perm, Christina?

DOLPH (in feminine voice, waving his fists): Why I oughta...

KEARNEY (restraining DOLPH): Now, Christina...restrain yourself!

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY - THE NEXT DAY

Bart is whistling a happy tune as he casually plops a bag of magnets next to General Custo, who is busy painting the school lockers with several of his arms at the same time. When Custo is finished painting, he grabs the bag and deposits it in his chute. Bart hides alongside Lisa behind the lockers.

LISA: It's working, Bart! General Custo is picking up the bag of magnets.

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - CAFETERIA - SECONDS LATER

Custo next heads for the cafeteria, where he finds another bag of magnets awaiting him while Milhouse casually walks to a nearby table with lunch tray in hand, anticipating a peaceful meal with his friends.

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - COMPUTER LAB - SECONDS LATER

The next stop for General Custo is the computer lab, where he picks up two more bags of magnets from the deck of computers while Martin is casually whistling, just as Bart was in the hallway.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - PLAYGROUND - SECONDS LATER

The final stop is the playground, where Custo grabs one last bag of magnets from the teeter-totter behind the backs of Sherri and Terri, who are on the swings.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - WILLIE'S SHACK - MOMENTS LATER

Principal Skinner closes up the shack for the evening as he carries a red briefcase and heads out to his car.

SKINNER: I'm calling it a day, General Custo. I won't bother to turn you off, so feel free to tidy up anywhere you want inside the school tonight.

CLOSING SHOT - RED LINE BREAKING IN TWO, ENHANCED BY YELLOW - EDIT TO BLACK

END ACT THREE

ACT FOUR-Custo Goes Berserko

FADE IN

INT. MARSH SUPERMARKET - DONUT ASSEMBLY - THE NEXT DAY

Dolph, still in drag as Christina, is shaping the dough while Kearney tosses the dough rings in the fryer, which is being maintained by Nelson.

DOLPH: Man, this sucks...

Dolph pops a hole in his dough ring with his fist and tosses it into the fryer; he then repeats the process with the next dough ring.

KEARNEY: It's like the assembly line at GM, only with worse pay...

NELSON: And I thought school was hell.

The deli clerk appears, angry at the three hoodlums.

DELI CLERK: You three saps have to speed production...we need those donuts for tomorrow morning's rush!

DOLPH, KEARNEY & NELSON (in unison): YESSIR!

Moments later, Jimbo comes by to visit the deli. The three boys stop what they are doing and meet him at the counter.

KEARNEY: Yo, Jimbo! How was community service?

JIMBO: It was brutal.

(then to DOLPH): Why are you dressed like a girl?

NELSON: It's a long story...one you don't wanna hear.

DOLPH: As soon as we get off work, let's play another round of "Kick The Cane".

JIMBO: Nah, old people have it tough enough...besides, when it comes to abusing the elderly, we're rank amateurs.

KEARNEY: Whatever, dude.

DOLPH: Then let's hurl some donuts. These suck big time.

The four bullies see Hans Moleman pass by the deli counter; once again, Hans is carrying a cane with his left hand. The four take turns tossing donuts at Hans, who trips and falls on one of the donuts as other passersby watch helplessly.

HANS: Umm...a little help...please...anyone?

Just then, Homer and Marge appear; Homer begins gathering the donuts that were thrown on the floor.

HOMER: Mmmmm...floor donuts...

MARGE (to HOMER): You do this every time there's a grand opening, I'm so sick of it!

JIMBO: I should have known he would be here.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - FRONT ENTRANCE - THE NEXT MORNING

Principal Skinner and Superintendent Chalmers enter the school building in great anticipation of General Custo's efforts, not knowing what is about to befall them.

CHALMERS: I'm anxious to see all the improvements General Custo has made, Seymour.

SEYMOUR: I think you'll find he's done things you wouldn't even dream of!

INT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - HALLWAY - IMMEDIATELY THEREAFTER

Skinner and Chalmers are beside themselves at what they are seeing-a hallway that is a total mess. The lockers are impounded; graffitti is written all over the walls and lockers, with sayings such as "SCHOOL SUCKS", "SKINNER LOVES HIS MOMMY", "CUSTO WAS HERE", and "EL CUSTO"; debris is all over the floor; and Custo himself is partially imploded, with some of his parts scattered throughout.

SKINNER: Good Lord! What went wrong, General Custo?!

The children begin showing up, one by one, with the exception of the four bullies.

BART: Aye carumba! What happened, man?

CHALMERS: General Custo was too good to be true. He's gone insane and wrecked the school!

LISA: Oh no! It wasn't supposed to be this bad, was it?

SKINNER (to the children): I'm sorry, children, but I'm afraid no one can enter the school until we get this mess cleaned up.

MILHOUSE: So we get to go home on permanent vacation?

SKINNER: No, we'll just have to bus all of you to Shelbyville Elementary on a temporary basis...

The children boo at this suggestion as General Custo's blades begin twirling, which only Bart notices.

Custo also wields a pitchfork with one arm and hedgecutters with another and aims them toward Skinner.

BART: Principal Skinner, look out!

Suddenly, a pair of arms holding a Garden Weasel whacks Custo while Skinner ducks out of the way.

WILLIE: Get the wee ones to safety, Skinner! I'm sending this job stealin' devil back to the assembly line hell it came from!

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - MAIN ENTRANCE - SECONDS LATER

Bart and Lisa are pleased that Groundskeeper Willie finally showed up. Willie temporarily has his foot planted on Custo outside the school, but the robot climbs back up and is now wielding a chain saw as well as pinking shears at Willie. Willie has to restrain Custo by the belly with the Garden Weasel.

BART: Keep your head low, Willie...

WILLIE (grunting): These grounds ain't big enough for two to keep, robot!

MARTIN: Watch his right hook...er, claw!

Suddenly, Custo blasts a burst of sawdust into Willie's face.

WILLIE (gagging): Me eyes! It's the old "Barf-Absorbing-Sawdust-In-The-Eyes" trick. How could I not see that coming?

Custo flings his shears plus an axe with another arm toward Willie, who has to cover his face from the sawdust.

LISA: Willie, look out! He's coming after you!

WILLIE (defenseless): I cannae see a thing...

Just then, Lisa discovers her mood ring; aims it at Custo's eyes and distracts the robot.

LISA: Hey, Custo...get a load of this...

Custo turns toward Lisa and is immediately blinded by Lisa's mood ring, which turns red. Meanwhile, Bart hands Willie the can of spray paint remover that Willie had previously given Bart in Act Two.

BART: Willie...hand out at three o'clock!

WILLIE: Me old spray paint remover!

Willie immediately sprays the paint remover onto Custo, who immediately melts and is frozen stiff. Bart and Lisa rush toward Willie and congratulate him.

LISA: Groundskeeper Willie, you saved us!

BART: Boy, wasn't it "convenient" that you showed up when you did.

WILLIE: But ye told me the robot would act up because of your plan with the mag-

Milhouse comes over to congratulate Willie, as does Martin and Ralph.

MILHOUSE (hugging Willie): Oh Willie, you're the greatest! We'd rather show you how we feel than talk about it.

CHALMERS (to SKINNER): Well, Seymour, this place is a mess. How in the world are you going to clean it up?

LISA: Groundskeeper Willie can do it...

BART (continuing LISA's thought): ...and he can do it right now.

CHALMERS: Perfect. He's re-hired.

WILLIE (to BART & LISA): Children, thank you so very much for helping me get my job back.

LISA: No sweat. But what are you going to do with General Custo now that he's pretty much useless?

WILLIE: I won't throw him to the curb just yet...

EXT. DOWNTOWN SPRINGFIELD - THE SAME AFTERNOON

Dolph, Jimbo, Kearney and Nelson are seen running away from the Marsh Supermarket, where they are being followed by the Deli Clerk as well as the two Springfield Police squad cars.

JIMBO: Let's make a run for it, fellas...I don't wanna be back in that old folks' home...

NELSON: Don't worry about that, Jimbo...this time, it is the klink for us!

DELI CLERK (bellowing to the four bullies): You hooligans are in a lot of hot water...identity theft is the least of your problems!

The four head past Springfield Elementary, where they see:

EXT. SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY - SECONDS LATER

Willie is seen driving a reprogrammed Custo with a stick shift lever; Custo's blades twirl, cutting the grass while three of the arms suck up the grass; it also moves similar to the Ark Roamer, seen on the live-action series "Ark II". The four bullies are dismayed when they see Willie and Custo headed toward them.

NELSON & JIMBO (in unison): Oh crap!

DOLPH: General Custo has been reprogrammed as a crimestopper! And it's not even Wiggum's toy!

WIDE SHOT - NEAR SPRINGFIELD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - CONTINUOUS

The four bullies are helpless to escape as Bart and Lisa laugh from a distance. At one end, the four are being chased by Willie and Custo; at the other end, by Wiggum and his troops plus the Marsh Deli Clerk.

WILLIE: I've needed a new riding lawnmower for ages...now I finally got one. Plus it's the only one in the world that tracks down scaliwags...

POV - LISA

Lisa holds out her mood ring once again.

LISA: All's well that end's well...

Lisa pushes her hand toward the screen, revealing that the ring's color is now flashing blue and brightening the screen; cue 1980s "As The World Turns" theme music

END CREDITS

The flash leads toward the familiar spinning globe with three blue laser beams from the legendary CBS soap opera "As The World Turns" as closing credits roll.

SKINNER (VO): This portion of "As The World Turns" has been brought to you by Nabisco Double Stuf cookies by Oreo...

AGNES (VO): You got it all wrong, Seymour...it's supposed to be Oreo Double Stuf cookies by Nabisco!

SKINNER (VO): Stay tuned for "The Guiding Light"...next over most of these CBS stations...

AGNES (VO): You goofed again, Seymour..."The Guiding Light" has long been cancelled.

BART (VO) (apparently watching the TV): Looks like Principal Skinner's moonlighting career as a TV announcer is all washed up!

"As The World Turns" music and end credits continue until Gracie Films logo appears.

FADE TO BLACK

END TELEPLAY


End file.
